Surprise! You're Going to be Grandparents Again!
I Needed to Know
I still wasn't feeling much in regards to pregnancy symptoms. I had fatigue, but still just coughed it up to transitioning a 1 year old to 1 nap.
It had now been almost 3 weeks since finding out we were expecting again. As far as I knew, I was still pregnant as I wasn't experiencing any cramping or bleeding, but that is never indicative of pregnancy loss. I know I should be grateful that I don't experience much symptoms in the 1st trimester. Because I know some Mamas would kill for that because they feel so awful, but I just really wanted to SOMETHING telling me I was still pregnant.
Because of that, I was to the point where I was almost feeling sick I was worried about it so much. My anxiety was really starting to rev up and I was having a hard time leaning into the process. I wanted this to happen so bad! Not just for our family, but for the opportunity to surprise our families at Christmas. It all just felt story book perfect and I wanted to be able to experience that.
I even wrote this on my journal a few days before our viability scan...
"Nothing about me feels pregnant. Heck, I almost think the labs have the wrong person. I've been tired, yes, but your brother is also transitioning to 1 nap which means early mornings. I also haven't slept well the last few nights either. Monday we have our viability scan and I'm going in with no expectations. Oliver is enough and will be if we are not blessed with you. I just never imagined pregnancies being so easy for how long it took to become (pregnant). No matter the outcome, you will always be a cherished gift of this family"
"I always hate these scans so close to Christmas"
Our viability scan was set for Monday December 21st in the afternoon. I HATE afternoon appointments. Not only do you have to wait longer, but usually doctor's offices are running behind at that point and you've got to wait longer then.
That morning, my Aunt was doing her darnest to try and take my mind off of the appointment. She could tell I was very distracted and uninterested in talking. Something inside of me just didn't feel right, like this wasn't going to end how I imagined. My husband said it best, "I think she just really needs to know."
Because of Covid, we waited in the hallway in this cozy little booth couch with super high backs. For the longest time, we watched other couples walk in and out. The couple with the ultrasound photos caught my eye because they were either confirming viability or newly pregnant. Something about seeing their photos hoped I was also walking out with photos.
As I continued to bounce my leg up and down to control my anxiety, the lab tech finally called us back. As we are walking she is trying to make small talk and thankfully my husband is good at that stuff and recognizes that I can't in those settings.
As she shut the door and turned down the lights she said, "I always hate doing this scan so close to Christmas. They can either go really good or end up really bad. I sure hope you guys are a happy story" So did we.....tenfold.
My eyes always jump straight to the heart
I go to the bathroom and get undressed from the waist down and cover myself in the tiny, little, thin sheet they provide (anyone else wonder WHY hospitals don't provide a big, warm blanket rather than a kleenex?!). At this point I don't know if I'm shaking more because of the fact I'm cold or so nervous.
As I pop up onto the table, her and my husband are still making small talk. I lay back, get my knees propped up and open as she explains what will happen. I know she has to, but I've probably been in this position at least 100x throughout my healing and ovulation tracking - I know how it works.
As she preps the probe to be inserted, I reach for my husband's hand - squeezing the hell out of it - this is our thing. His hand has never not been in mine for these big moments.
The probe goes in and my eyes dart to the screen.....I'm looking for the little flicker. The little fluttering of the heart telling me everything is still okay.
And right as I catch it, the tech says, "Congratulations! Look at your little peanut in there with the heart just thumping away!!" What a beautiful Christmas gift that is!!"
And it was!! Seeing that little flutter and blinking on the screen just fills my heart with hope, joy, and confidence that maybe I can, we can do this. I knew we weren't out of the woods yet, we still needed to get to that magically 12 week point, but seeing a heart rate at 7 weeks is usually a really strong sign that you'll carry to term.
I was happy, but something wasn't sitting right
As she continued to do her measurements, I couldn't help myself from thinking that this all has to be too good to be true. Like just the pure fact we spent 4+ years enduring infertility and healing both our bodies to willing our bodies to conceive naturally, and now we were pregnant again. We had now idea if my body was even able to carry life during that time until Oliver was born and learned it could. And now, here we were pregnant again and less than 2 years ago, we didn't know if a family was possible for us.
I just felt like this was all too easy.
If you've been through infertility you can relate to this feeling - You begin to lose trust in your body's ability to do what it is supposed to do. You feel it is broken, not designed right, is a little defected, and that doesn't go away once you get pregnant or you have a living child. In fact, that feeling is really hard to navigate when pregnant because you just keep expecting something wrong to happen. You body has done that to you many times before, why would this time be any different?
And that is how I was feeling this time. The questions of, "Why me? Why us?" that haunted our infertility were still there. What was different that now this all of a sudden was "easier" It was hard for me to lean into that this was going to be continue being okay.
It all just felt too entirely good to be true.
We pulled off the ultimate surprise!
Despite the pit in my stomach, I was happy. I was turning 30 on January 8th and I had been reflecting that I was going to make my 30s the years of change. The years where I lean into trusting my body and stepping outside of my comfort zone. I was looking at becoming pregnancy and postpartum fitness certified and starting my own business from home and I felt like my 30s were the perfect year to do that.
So at both our immediate family Christmases, we announced our pregnancy. I wrapped up 3 different boards gifting 1 to each parent to open at the same time and the last one - with the ultrasound picture - to open together. The boards once together said, "Sometimes the best presents aren't found under the tree...Sometimes their shipping is delayed...Until Aug 7th"
Both families completely shocked!!! It was such a good feeling and moment I never thought we would get to experience!! Of course they all wanted to know how we pulled this off and when we were gone. And all while we told them, they kept saying, "We had no idea, but we are so incredibly happy for you guys."
I was reflecting after we had told everyone. My birthday was 8 days away and I just enrolled in Brianna Battle's Pregnancy and Postpartum Athleticism Certification. I was ready to do this! I was ready to use this pregnancy as an opportunity to show and educate others Mamas on what I learned I should have done in my pregnancy with Oliver. Year 30 was were going to be my best year yet!